THE EVER CONSUMING FEAR OF BEING SHIT
The title of the post sums my ineloquent thoughts up - I have a huge fear of being shit on the internet, a place which in the last five years has manifested itself into something that makes the American Dream look like a nightmare, with the way ordinary people can make millions and how unhappy people can suddenly appear to be having the time of their lives. Just like the American Dream, the internet gives faceless individuals across the globe something to inspire to, something to strive for. Yet at the same time, the American Dream can be negative, as it pushes people to fight each other and compare each sliver of their lives until they lose sight of the reason they aimed to achieve their dream in the first place. Although my dream is on a much smaller scale that this, this is what happened with me in the blogging world.
Even as I write this, my heart beats strongly against my chest and I feel a lump forming in my throat that threatens to tackle my fingers from the keyboard as I will myself to just. keep. going. I've felt inferior on the internet for years now, even as a fifteen year old fan of girl bands I just never felt good enough, I felt that no celebrity would want to send rubbish emoji filled messages to me as I wasn't important enough, my tweets weren't excitable enough or my selfies weren't edited well enough. For years I guess I've felt like an awful piece of dirt on somebody's shoe.
Yet this feeling just amplified as I joined the blogging world, so much so that I couldn't even blame my fear of writing on 'bloggers block', the only way I can describe it is feeling mute. I felt like I had a lock over my mouth the second I attempted to transcribe my thoughts onto the internet, although whilst sat in a photo kiosk at work I could easily pour every feeling and opinion onto hastily torn receipt paper in such a way that made my jibberish sound beautifully articulated.
But these beautifully articulated words never left that torn piece of paper, were never transcribed onto the keyboard of my laptop - and yes, I am ashamed of that. I am ashamed that I told everybody that this year was going to be mine, this year I said I was going to publish my favourite pieces of work online and that people would actually read them, instead those words were shredded last Friday amongst paper phone bills and junk mail.
Even thinking about it now makes my whole body shudder, as the realisation of what exactly took place this summer comes to mind. It really was one of the best summers in a long time, but for the first time in many years, I had given up on my ability to make people think. Instead of letting people read what I had to say, I stuffed scrap paper into my pockets and jumped out of my skin when fellow members of staff saw me doodling my thoughts in fear that they'd want to read the silly ideas I'd conjured up. And that's wrong. I shouldn't have let that happen to me. I should have given them the paper, let them read my inner workings, because they were meant for the internet anyway, weren't they?
And the reason why? As the title says, it was my ever consuming fear of being shit. The fact is I really don't want to be shit, I want people to read what I have to say and go HELL YES! I just want to write something that either entertains or makes you feel or think, I want to be proud of my own work and go 'yeah, that's me' whenever anyone mentions my blog.
And that's not going to happen unless I pick up the pig by the balls or whatever the unfortunately rude saying is, unless I just do it and tell people and stop letting my fear of other people thinking I'm crap get in the way. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to write, and I'm going to publish what I write even if the niggling thoughts in my brain are telling me that I am never good enough. And you want to know why? Because if I don't, I will never write again and the thought of that makes my heart beat faster and heavier than it did when I was fearful of posting online. So I guess there's my answer.