Thursday the 18th of September turned out to be the first day in a long time that I'd forgotten to write a blog post. Scrap that, Thursday the 18th of September was the first time that I've genuinely not been able to write something of any importance or significance and that hurts. The past few weeks have been somewhat scary, my heart has beaten harder than it ever has before and the synapses in my brain have frazzled and burned. My legs have tingled with pain and lack of sleep and my fear of failure has converted into a emotion filled monster which is haunting every minute of my being.
Being a teenager in the twenty first century is somewhat different to what Lindsay Lohan taught us to believe back in 2004. She told us that once we'd finished education, life would be the epitome of normalness. That the dog eat dog culture would vanish into smithereens and that we'd be free of judgement, put downs and hierarchy. At least in girl world anyway. The dreams we had would exist for a lifetime, and even though these imaginary hopes may never be accomplished, they would power us to succeed and lead us through the monotonous momentum of everyday life.
Alas, this does not happen anymore. I am attending a sixth form which prides itself on inspiring young adults to be whoever they want to be, it even mentions similar hallowed words in its heavily worded mission statement and prospectus. So why is it that some of people I talk to have no clue on who they are and what they should be and if they do know they're shot down as if they've completed the biggest sin of all?
I feel as though with one wrong move my dreams will crash and burn like every other damn thing I set my eyes on and with this thought, I'm scared to move forward and believe in myself and my abilities and my own mind. But then I'm also scared of failure and what will become of me if I don't succeed. University may be calling me in eleven months time and supposedly this is where things will look up and my eyes will dazzle but right now I can't see past the fog that clouds them. I cannot wait for change. But I have to and that's even scarier. I just don't know what to do.
(I completely apologise for the disgusting ramble)